Waking up and the room is a blur.

Making out only objects, fuzzy lines and dark centers. 

Making my way to the bathroom to put in my contacts. Praying for some clarity—only to be let down. The fuzzy objects now appear slightly more solid, but still my life is a blur. 

It all started a few weeks after having Jax and continued to get worse. I finally decided to make an eye Dr. appointment as it began to interfere with the quality of my life.

I typed the words “blurred vision” into my google search browser and of course the first lines spell out the worst possible scenario—blindness. I shouldn’t have googled blurred vision, but all I wanted was an answer.

Doesn’t google always have the right answer? 

My vision is poor to begin with, but easily corrected by contact lenses and glasses. I am use to seeing the world in a blur but only as I lay my head down to sleep and when I wake up before scrambling to find my glasses. 

Anyone out there who has or is suffering from a chronic illness, pain or trauma— I commend you. 

Trying to stay positive, when all you want to do is cry. Trying to enjoy life’s daily pleasures and all you want to do is curl up in a ball. Trying to just “be happy” when all you want to do is feel sadness. 

Finally— Friday came along and I got to meet my incredible Dr. He went through all of the “normal” eye exams and tests and concluded that my prescription had changed dramatically and this was not a normal occurrence. Long story short, no prescription will help me to see clearly.

He then asked the most random question,

“are you nursing?”

My first thought was, “um ya why does the eye Dr. care about that?”

I responded, “yes, why?” 

It looked like a lightbulb went off in his head —if you have seen the 90s show PB&J otter, it reminded me of the noodle dance.

He said he thinks that the hormones from nursing Jax are causing the lenses in my eyes to swell and they are having a hard time focusing.

Unfortunately, a simple prescription change is not the answer. Weekly eye visits here I come.

Isn’t it eye-ronic?

How could this be? — Breastfeeding is suppose to be the best thing for a baby, the best thing for the mother and yet— it was causing my world to literally be one big blur.

“Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think , just a little toooo ironic, yeah I really do think…” (If you know this song, I’m currently singing it in my head in my best Alanis Morissette voice)

The Dr. let me know that he had another patient with the similar issue and he gave me the same eye exercises to hopefully retrain my eyes to “focus” again. If you have ever done physical therapy, this is basically that, but with my eyes.

I found some comfort in knowing I was not alone and that it is not a condition that would cause me to go permanently blind—as google had informed me I would. 

With each day that passes, I question if breastfeeding Jax is the best thing for us.

Isn’t it “eye-ronic”?

As a mother, you want the absolute best for your kids, but where do we draw the line? How can I be the best mother when I don’t feel my best? Am I just giving up? Am I being selfish?

We are challenged by many difficult decisions as parents, but at the end of the day, we are doing our damn best!

Isn’t it “eye-ronic” how we are told by so many what is best for our kids and how to be the best mom, but in reality, there is no one way to be a mother and if one way is not working for you, than you move on to the next best.

My eyes seem to be improving, and I am giving myself a full month to “recover” — if they have not stabilized by then, I may have to make the tough decision to stop nursing, but for now, I am taking it day-by-day and trying to stay positive, to enjoy life’s daily pleasures and to just “be happy”

Isn’t it “eye-ronic”?

EYE UPDATE:

I had to make the hard decision to stop breastfeeding due to my vision continuing to change and be blurry interfering with my quality of life. Despite to PT on my eyes and doing the focus training I had to keep going to the eye doctor to have them change my prescription every 2 weeks

immediately after I stopped nursing my vision stabilized and I no longer had to visit the eye doctor to have my prescription changed. While this was a hard decision it is one I do not regret because I was so relieved and my quality of life immediately improved.

I had my 3rd baby in 2020 and was nervous to breastfeed again knowing my struggles after my 2nd. But I am happy to share that I did not have the same issues the 3rd time around! doctors had no idea why but I am thankful I did not have to go through this again.

If you are struggling with this just know that it will get better and your eyes will be okay!!

xoxo Taylor